This just in…a local man, Flip Gypsum, was found unconscious and unresponsive in his back yard after apparently attempting to repair his air conditioning unit. He suffered electrical burns and was rendered unconscious after a salt lined aluminum foil wrapped cola can became pressurized and dislodged from the housing on the side of the unit hitting him in the head. The burns were reported to be minor and primarily on his hands from attempting to attach the home-made “capacitor to the unit with “roach clips and duct tape”.
Paramedics were able to revive him in route to the hospital.
Well, it’s that time of year again folks! The holiday season is upon us and the holiday cheer is in the air like a thick cloud…it’s spewing from the bowels of Stumbleweed County like firerrhea the morning after chowing down on some of Darla’s famous Jalapeno fritters. We have a special surprise for you! We’re celebrating the birth of one of our own on Friday December 17th at O’Riley’s in Dallas. That’s right; Kenny shares a birthday with , , and Cannabis…the rapper, not the plant. It’s been around a long damn time but unlike Kenny, I doubt that anyone has pinpointed the exact date of its origin. Although December 17th is NOT Kenny’s birthday, as I am sure that some fact checkers will soon discover, it is the day that we’ve chosen to celebrate with our dear friends at O’Riley’s. We hope you will join us in this celebration with cannabis…I mean for Kenny and bring in the holiday season Stumbleweed County style.
Oct 4, 2010
Witnesses were stunned and shocked today when a Stumbleweed County man accidentally discharged a tazer gun into the swimming area at the county lake.
Participants of the annual Stumbleweed County have failed to find all of the simple items listed for what is supposed to be a day of fun filled adventure for the entire family. This year’s failure has county officials wondering if they should even continue with this annual event or scrap this time honored tradition all together. Event managers have provided the following list.
SWC Scavenger Hunt 2010
1 Armadillo Ashtray
1 Balloon with 100 ft of flagged string
1 Red Horseshoe Magnet
1 Fake Mustache
1 Horse Apple
1 Cure for
1 Stick of Butter
1 Medium Seymour Dunlop guitar pick
2 Dozen Hot Wings
1 Twelve Pack of Cold Beer
Recently, Stumbleweed County officials distributed a survey to all SWC residents which caused a bit of confusion and tension. 25% of the 50 people who responded to all 100 questions of the county-wide survey answered nearly half positively. Conversely, fifty people within that twenty five percent had negative remarks about the 100 question survey. Of those negative remarks, 21% were related to the Naziesque use of the number 2 pencils while the other 89% thought that the remaining 21% were 100% whiners. Interestingly, the other 75% of those 50 residents of Stumbleweed County who answered all 100 questions on the survey said they didn’t answer truthfully. All but half of them lied. Of the remaining 370 residence, 20% answered only the even numbered questions and four within that twenty percent answered only ‘C’. 9% made a picture with the answer bubbles. 30% believed that 50% of the questions were part of government plot and refused to fill out 100% of their contact information. Nearly 70% of those left finger prints in either cheeto or chocolate residue on their paper or pencil. Rest assured that no finger print analysis has been preformed…we just thought that the irony was too great to go unmentioned.
Questions on the survey such as, “how long have you lived in Stumbleweed County”, “When did you arrive in Stumbleweed County”, and “How long ago did you come to Stumbleweed County?” were NOT aimed at flushing out tax evaders but rather an attempt to identify the possibility of a growing population of citizens with diminished mental capacity. None was found. In fact, nearly half of the four hundred and twenty surveys that were distributed were later discovered to have been used as part of a huge paper machete effigy of Bob Marley while exchanging some sort of rolled up document. One was delivered to the Mayor’s office by its own means! It was folded into a rather complex flying machine, a paper airplane the like of which I’ve never seen, fastened to a small fan like that which would be used as a cooling mechanism in a lap-top computer, and some sort of remote control sensor…the form itself was, however, filled out incorrectly and therefore was of no value to the findings of the survey. shaking hands with
In the future, officials have decided that all residents of Stumbleweed County will be notified of the intentions of questionnaires to avoid any hysteria or falsification of data and have issued a formal apology for any confusion that they may have caused and would like everyone to enjoy one chocolate or cheeto based snack* at Darla’s Snack Shack this weekend.
*Apologetic bribery snack offering excludes deep-fried chocolate covered bacon with cheeto crumbles and ANY Firey cheeto treat, because those are just gross.
It’s official, folks. It’s always 4:20 in Stumbleweed County. Founders have decided not to make the necessary repairs to the downtown clock tower stating that ‘it’s just too much work’ and ‘everything’s better like this anyway’. The decision came during a roundtable discussion with county officials when a resident was seen ‘celebrating 4:20’ in the shadow of the tower this afternoon. County founder and hero said, ‘it’s fate that the thing stopped working to begin with’. While there is no confirmation as to why the clock stopped working, it’s just easier to blame it on fate or karma or something…
The clock was dedicated some years ago at 4:20pm on April 20th and there are no known photographs of the clock tower at any other time than 4:20. A short investigation once indicated that there is no electricity going to the tower but was neither confirmed nor denied. The contractor, Willie Smokem had this to say…”what?”
The official county-wide dedication to Stumbleweed County time will occur at 4:20pm.
Stumbleweed County Gazette August 25, 2010